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(no subject) [Feb. 12th, 2008|12:51 am]
 Tomorrow is going to be such a good day!!
Cannot WAIT!!
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(no subject) [Feb. 1st, 2008|03:53 pm]
 it IS crap!!
..and everybody thinks so or it wouldn't have been so unbelievably great.
i didn't ask to be your higher standard
so suck it and grow up!!
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(no subject) [Jan. 17th, 2008|09:27 pm]
S.S  -  iLu!
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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2008|09:37 pm]
 So today was a great day...
and by great I obviously mean horrible

Not only did I sleep for only 4 hours after much needed rest due to a late drunken New Years night before, but I was awake at 6am because of him. Just knowing in the back of my mind that I would see his face today made me dream of him and wake up hurting, unable to fall back asleep. So I proceed to lay in bed and waste a few hours before St. Joe's volleyball, where I rolled my good ankle - badly. It is now pretty damn bruised. Then another occurance, or lack there of. "Hey, its good to see you too. How was your New Years? Enjoying the break? What are your plans for the last few days off? ...maybe a simple 'hi'" Nope. That was probably one of the more crushing blows of the day. Something I won't forget but clearly, that doesn't matter. Continue on to not get my work schedule, not be able to get my school schedule and spend the afternoon cleaning when I would really rather have just crawled back into bed. Well I got in the mood and that was alright. Didn't get everything done so thats something that will continue tomorrow but still, it kept my mind busy and that was good. Go to school to buy my books. No schedule = no course codes = no idea what books I need. Find them out, get to the bookstore, closed 6 minutes ago. Go to practice. Erin is there, whispering and pointing like the immature bitch that she is. And Adam is there too. Smiling away trying to grab my attention, trying to talk. But just being there, finally seeing him, everyone around - knowing what happened - that was a blow I wasn't expecting. I thought I was over it but clearly am still having issues. I don't know how to resolve them. Whatever. Go clean a bit more, miss my best friend by 4 minutes and come home to parents who just won't get off my back. I don't even feel like going out to this stupid nursing get together. I hate nursing. And I hate Erin and I hate Adam and I hate today - it sucks and it needs to end. Its probably been one of the harder instances to refrain from falling into old habits. But I am still trying away, weakly, I might add...
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(no subject) [Dec. 29th, 2007|12:16 am]
 stop adding people to the fucking team!!!
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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2007|11:08 pm]
 So I know I said I was fine. I know I cried at the beginning and then let my anger take over and the situation really didn't seem that bad. I am better off. I deserve more. I am okay. Right? Wrong. I am pretty sure it was just the overwhelming atmosphere but never have I gotten so upset so fast. I really enjoyed meeing Sean finally after 8 months. And I really am happy beyond belief for Chris that she finally found a good one. But then I get to thinking, Steve's engaged to Kelly, Chris and Sean, Brian and Cassandra, Jen and Chris, Kait and Dane, Sarah and whatever his name is...WHAT THE FUCK?! How about everybody date someone and bring them over for Christmas and hang out with their lovers and thats just how it goes? I was all prepared for a great sleep in my comfy bed in my comfy pajamas and here I am lying awake and crying because that bastard left me alone for the holidays and every God Damn song coming on my mp3 has some sort of significance or relation to the shit situation I am in.  I was so happy to finally have a good one! I could finally brag and was hoping to bring him around and show pictures and hold his hand and unwrap presents with him...BUT NO! He has to go and FUCK ERIN! I don't even know if its him I miss or just the great feeling of finally having someone. I mean, not like it matters. Losing someone right before the holidays is probably the most heartbreaking thing possible especially when everybody asks about him not knowing the story. Why don't I just go crawl in a fucking dark hole and die?!  Thats definitely what I wanted to do today. I hate what he did. It is so not fair. I sacrificed for him...time with friends, my studies. I could probably guarentee better marks if I hadn't met him. I lost so much of my parents trust and wasted so much money on gas to go and see his cheating ass and he doesn't even have the fucking decency to tell me about it! No..fuck that. Fuck him and his apologies. Fuck his emails and his text messages. There is no way in hell I am letting him get back in my life. Not after cheating and lying. Not after letting me waste 3 months of my life and making me feel such a false sense of happiness based on his shit. Not worth it. Might as well unpack that box, return the presents and give me my favourite sweater back so I can wash your memory out of it. I AM DONE!
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(no subject) [Dec. 10th, 2007|03:53 pm]
 This is my life we are talking about. It's the rest of my life. One stupid mistake and here it is, my whole future, completely jeopardized. And what can I do but sit back and wait to see what happens. I am trying to be as proactive as possible, take initiative, explain myself, own up and get it over with. If only I could hear anything back. Within the next 48 hours, my entire life's path will be determined. What's worse is the fact that it may very possibly be one that I do not want for myself. I can't stand sitting here, waiting and wondering what is going to happen. How am I supposed to focus on studying? How am I supposed to deal? I want to be involved. I want to be heard out. I want to continue on. I can't take no for a answer. There is just no other option for me. This is what I want and one stupid mistake, backed up by 100% rationale will not get in my way. I will just strive to do better so this can all be forgotten.

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(no subject) [Nov. 13th, 2007|11:26 pm]


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(no subject) [Oct. 31st, 2007|12:23 am]

kill me
sick of school, sick of volleyball, sick of secrets

i wanna get drunnnnnk!

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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2007|01:35 am]
 i love that alley...
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